I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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