If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
