and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Let's get the cat blown out
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
