she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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