so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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