You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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