he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
