You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Randomize
