I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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