in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
