I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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