things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
