I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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