Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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