Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
sarcasm needs its own font
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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