A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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