i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
