i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
