I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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