Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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