They should really pass out barf bags in church
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
You may now shotgun with the bride
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
