she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
