I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
The feeling are messing with the penis
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
