hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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