Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
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he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
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I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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