she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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