then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
