Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
