checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
