He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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