Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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