twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
