The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
