I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
someone owes me an orgasm
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
