You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
