I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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