Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
