Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
