it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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