Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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