wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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