it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
