When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
