he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
