So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
