Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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