I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
