I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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