Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
