I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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