how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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