If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
you traded sex for a burrito?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
