Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
