sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
