the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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