I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
