I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
