I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
