nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
